Assert yourself!
Using assertiveness is a great way of making your communication style open and positive, and it is guaranteed to boost your confidence.
It is a simple, three-step process which is easy to learn. Practise in a straightforward, non-threatening situation; as you become more proficient and comfortable with the process, progress to those face-to-face standoffs that usually leave you feeling angry and upset and see how much better you feel about the conversation – and yourself!
Each step is a negotiation in itself; don’t move from step one until you are completely sure that everyone understands the situation in the same way; stay with step two until you know everyone involved understands your feelings and has had an opportunity to voice their own; and remember you may have to repeat step three until your chosen resolution has been acknowledged.
1) Listen to what’s being said and make sure you and everyone else involved understands what’s going on in the same way. Someone else may hear the same words you’ve heard, but interpret them differently. Summarise what’s said and clarify: “So you’re saying…” or “Let me get this right…”
2) Say how you feel. We often assume people realise how we feel; and we’re not used to expressing our feelings. Letting people know what effect their words and actions have on you increases the level of understanding between you and improves your chances of a good outcome.
3) Say what you want to happen. While the outcome may be obvious to you, it may not be so obvious to the other person. Be clear and concise about what you want to happen.
Prepare ahead: be clear about what you want to happen. The worst arguments are the ones that go round in circles because neither party says what they actually want. Plan what you need to say to keep the conversation calm while still getting your point across.
Think win-win: true assertiveness creates an environment where everyone involved comes away confident that their rights and feelings have been respected. If your “win” leaves the other person feeling cheated/ hurt/ antagonised/ a loser, next time they’re likely to be much more difficult. Be prepared to really consider the other viewpoint and work towards a mutually acceptable agreement.
Stay calm. Saying something like “I can see you’re angry and I’m sorry about that” doesn’t mean you’re caving in – you’re just acknowledging what’s happening – but it can reassure the other person that you’re aware of their feelings and allows a breathing space.
